One day, I was sitting on the bus just reading a book when somebody tapped me on the shoulder. I turned around and saw an old lady.
She said to me, “Sonny, would you like some nuts? I’ve got a couple of hazelnuts and almonds if you’d like.”
“Sure.”, I replied.
Then she gave me a handful of nuts then she went back to sit with her friends.
“What a nice lady”, I thought
A few minutes later, I felt another tap on my shoulder and there she was again with a lot of nuts.
After about 10 minutes, she tapped me on the shoulder, once again offering some nuts.
It was a little bit weird so I asked her:
“Why don’t you eat them yourself?”
…
..
.
“Because we’ve got no teeth”, she replied.
“Then why do you buy them?”, I asked.
“Oh, because we just love the chocolate around them.”
Lol, did you laugh? we hope you have a nice day!
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John O’Reilly raised his beer at the pub and proudly declared, “Here’s to spending the rest of my life… between the legs of my wife!”
The pub erupted in laughter, and John took home the prize for the best toast of the night.
That evening, he strutted through the front door and told his wife, Mary, “Guess what, love? I won the prize for the best toast at the pub!”
“Oh, did ye now?” Mary said. “And what exactly was this fine toast of yours?”
Thinking quickly, John smiled and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life… sitting in church beside me wife.”
Mary beamed. “Ah, John, that’s a lovely sentiment!”
The next day, Mary bumped into one of John’s drinking buddies on the street corner. With a cheeky grin, the man said, “Mary, you should’ve heard John’s toast at the pub the other night—it was about you!”
“Aye, I know,” Mary said, “and I’ll admit, I was surprised. After all, he’s only been in there twice in the last four years—once when I dragged him by the ears, and the other time when he fell asleep!”
One evening, as a couple was getting ready for bed
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One evening, as a couple was getting ready for bed, the wife suddenly asked:
Wife: “Honey… do you think I’ve gained weight?”
The husband (texting on his phone, not looking up): “Uh… a little.”
Silence. Dangerous silence.
Wife: “What do you mean ‘a little’? You actually think I’ve gotten fat?”
Husband (still oblivious): “Well… you asked. I thought you wanted an honest answer.”
Wife: “Do you realize that question was a trap?”
Husband: “A trap? What kind of trap?”
Wife: “A trap to test your love! The correct answer is: ‘No, babe, you’re as stunning as ever.’ Not ‘Uh… a little!’ Oh my god!”
Husband: “But you said you wanted me to always be honest with you!”
Wife: “I want you to be honest with the world, not with me!”
Husband (trying to recover): “I mean… you’ve gained a little, but it’s cute! Like, in a huggable way…”
Wife: “Aha! So you admit there’s been weight gain! Thanks for confirming!”
Husband: “… I feel like I’m on trial right now.”
Wife: “Correct. And you just confessed under oath.”
Husband silently grabs a pillow and blanket.
Wife: “Where are you going?”
Husband: “To the couch. Trying to avoid a five-year sentence.”