Little Johnny went to his mother demanding a new bicycle. His mother decided that he should take a look at himself and the way he acts.
She said, “Well Johnny, it isn’t Christmas and we don’t have the money to just go out and buy you anything you want.
So why don’t you write a letter to Jesus and pray for one instead.” After his temper tantrum, his mother sent him to his room. He finally sat down to write a letter to Jesus.
Dear Jesus,
I’ve been a good boy this year and would appreciate a new bicycle.
Your Friend,
Little Johnny
Now Little Johnny knew that Jesus knew what kind of boy he was (Brat).
So, he ripped up the letter and decided to give it another try.
Dear Jesus,
I’ve been an OK boy this year and I want a new bicycle.
Yours Truly,
Little Johnny
Well, Little Johnny knew this wasn’t totally honest so he tore it up and tried again.
Dear Jesus,
I’ve thought about being a good boy this year and can I have a new bicycle?
Signed,
Little Johnny
Well, Little Johnny looked deep down in his heart, which by the way was what his mother was really wanting. He crumpled up the letter and threw it in the trash can and went running outside.
He aimlessly wandered about; depressed because of the way he treated his parents and really considering his actions. He finally found himself in front of a Catholic Church.
Little Johnny went inside and knelt, looking around not knowing what he should really do.
Little Johnny finally got up and began to walk out the door and was looking at all the statues. All of a sudden he grabbed a small one and ran out the door. He went home hid it under his bed and wrote this letter.
Jesus,
I’ve broken most of the Ten Commandments; shot spit wads in school, tore up my sister’s Barbie doll and lots more. I’m desperate. I’ve got your mama. If you ever want to see her again, give me a bike.
Signed,
You know who
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Aboard a flight from L.A. to New York, Grandma Esther was taking her very first flight.
They had only been aloft a few minutes when the elderly lady complained to the stewardess that her ears were popping.
The girl smiled and gave the older woman some chewing gum, assuring her that many people experienced the same discomfort.
When they landed in New York, Grandma thanked the stewardess.
“The chewing gum worked fine,” she said, “but tell me, how do I get it out of my ears?”
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Aunt Bessie loved to visit her nieces and nephews.
However, she had relatives all over the country.
The problem was that no matter how much she enjoyed seeing them, she hated flying. No matter how safe people told her it was, she was always worried that someone would have a b*mb on the plane.
She read books about how safe it was and listened to the stewardess demonstrate all the safety features. But she still worried herself silly every time a visit was coming up.
Finally, the family decided that maybe if she saw the statistics she’d be convinced. So they sent her to a friend of the family who was an actuary.
“Tell me,” she said suspiciously, “what are the chances that someone will have a b*mb on a plane?”
The actuary looked through his tables and said, “A very small chance. Maybe one in five hundred thousand.”
She nodded, then thought for a moment. “So what are the odds of two people having a b*mb on the same plane?”
Again he went through his tables.
“Extremely remote,” he said. “About one in a billion.”
Aunt Bessie nodded and left his office.
And from that day on, every time she flew, she took a b*mb with her.
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A man visits his aunt in the nursing home.
It turns out that she is taking a nap, so he just sits down in a chair in her room, flips through a few magazines, and munches on some peanuts sitting in a bowl on the table.
Eventually, the aunt wakes up, and her nephew realizes he’s absentmindedly finished the entire bowl of peanuts.
“I’m so sorry, auntie, I’ve eaten all of your peanuts!”
“That’s okay, dearie,” the aunt replied. “After I’ve sucked the chocolate off, I don’t care for them anyway.”
