This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years, the only friction in their marriage was the husband’s habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke the noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water, and make her gasp for air.
Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn’t stop it and that it was perfectly natural.
She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out.
Then one Christmas day morning, as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards, neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts, and a malicious thought came to her.
She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling the bed covers back, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.
Sometime later she heard her husband wake with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood-curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes!
After years of torture, she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood-stained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.
He said, “Honey you were right… all these years you have warned me and I didn’t listen to you.”
“What do you mean?” asked his wife. “Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened, but by the grace of god, some Vaseline and two fingers. I think I got most of them back in……………….…..”
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A woman found herself standing at the Pearly Gates. St Peter greeted her and said,
“These are the Gates to Heaven, my dear. But you must do one more thing before you can enter.”
The woman was very excited, and asked of St. Peter what she must do.
“Spell any four-letter word,” St. Peter replied.
The woman promptly replied, “Then the word I will spell is love. L-O-V-E.”
St. Peter said, “Good, you do not have a dirty mind.” Then he welcomed her in, and asked her if she would mind taking his place at the gates for a few minutes while he took a break. So the woman is left sitting in St Peter’s chair when a man approaches the gates, and she realizes it is her husband.
“What happened?” she cried, “Why are you here?”
Her husband stared at her for a moment, then said, “I was so upset when I left your funeral, I got in an accident. Did I really make it to heaven?”
“Not yet,” she replied, “You must spell a word first.”
“What word?” he asked.
The woman responded, “Czechoslovakia.”